This is something I wrote three years ago, seven years after the death of my husband Ray. Although written in the context of losing a spouse or partner, I think it may speak more widely into loss. Knowing that a lot of people are currently grieving, I share it with you today.
Although I am whole again, there’s a hole I cannot explain. Perhaps not so much a hole as a part of me which is missing, that part of me which is you.
Jesus said, “The two will become one flesh.” In the separating, there’s no perforated line to tear along. Like tearing a piece of paper in half along a rough fold, it’s not neat.
Some would say I haven’t grieved properly or I haven’t got over it. Seven years on, I think the reality is that it never really leaves you. The pain is gone but that sense of something missing is always there, will always be there.
Is it a hole in my soul? A hole in my heart?
Like tearing a piece of paper in half along a rough fold, bits of me went with you. Yet on the same basis, bits of you must have been left behind, more than just memories.
The hole I feel is perhaps the gap between us. The gap that will only be closed again when I too am with God.